When I was younger I liked to sing. Certain songs spoke to me and resonated with my soul. I would try to sing the song the way I heard someone else sing but quickly realized my voice didn't match the quality, pitch, tone or rythym of singers I listened to.
One day I was playing around with the notes of a particular song when my great grandfather heard me and asked what was I doing. When I told him he said "stop playing if you are going to sing" "then sing". Why does this story come to me now some thirty plus years later?
My song is birthed out of pain. My song is sometimes mournful. My song is sometimes funky. My song is jazzy and classic. My melody is hard and soft, simple and complex. My rythym is ancient as time and as new as the morning dew. My song is unique and nuanced.
Listening for and feeling into my song is at the core of my life's quest. My song is my authentic being giving expression to my story. Writing this blog has been an attempt to articulate the lyrics of my life.
The beat goes on!
Peace and Blessings on your Journey
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
MIA
I am amazed by how much time has passed since my last entry. It feels strnage to even try to re-engage this process now. I am so far out of sorts that I can't even explain it!
I have not been actively training in quite some time. I find myself moving slowly trying to get bcak in the groove. It almost has if life has passed me by however, I am aware that, that is not the case. I have only just minute, only sixty seconds in it, forced upon me can't refuse didn't seek it didn't choose, it is up to me to use, suffer I lose it, give account if I abuse it. Just a tiny little minute but eternity is in it.
So, back to the gym I go...feeling some kind of way about being gone and coming back
I have not been actively training in quite some time. I find myself moving slowly trying to get bcak in the groove. It almost has if life has passed me by however, I am aware that, that is not the case. I have only just minute, only sixty seconds in it, forced upon me can't refuse didn't seek it didn't choose, it is up to me to use, suffer I lose it, give account if I abuse it. Just a tiny little minute but eternity is in it.
So, back to the gym I go...feeling some kind of way about being gone and coming back
Monday, March 31, 2014
I AM STILL HERE!
Sunday I participated in my second Shamrock Shuffle. It is a 8k (4.9 mile) race that officially begins the running season in Chicago. So, me and 31,000 fellow shufflers pounded the pavement of Chicago's downtown streets.
When there are that many people running you will always find someone you know which the fun part of the race the pre/post race gathering. I started the race with folks I knew along the way I tried to keep the pace the crowd was setting. My internal judge and critic was working overtime comparing my form and pace with everyone around me.
When I saw my results I was emotionally deflated. The harder I worked at breaking free from my inner judge/critic the more judgemental I become of myself. I judge my inner judge and a vicious cycle is created.
I am learning that my judge has something important to say to me, so the issue for me is not trying to ignore my inner judge or fire my inner judge we have been together all my life. My inner judge is the sum total of all my childhood conditioning to be critical, mistrustful and self-doubting. My inner is the compilation of all the negativity of people who ever punished me, teased me, bullied me, abandoned me and rejected me. Me and my inner have a history together that can't be ignored or denied. The issue is not about fighting to silence my inner judge. The issue is how do I handle my judge?
Become aware of it. Accept it. Express it.
So, I say to my inner judge/critic bring it on! Yes my time was slow, yes my form was not great, yes I'm carrying extra weight, Yes my breathing was off, Yes I thought I did worse than I expected, But, I AM STILL HERE! My knees hurt But, I AM STILL HERE! My ankle is tight But, I AM STILL HERE! I feel dejected But, I AM STILL HERE! I didn't complete the race in under an hour But, I AM STILL HERE!
So I say to my inner judge/critic I hear you loud and clear. It is what, it is But, I AM STILL HERE!
Peace and Blessings on Your Journey
When there are that many people running you will always find someone you know which the fun part of the race the pre/post race gathering. I started the race with folks I knew along the way I tried to keep the pace the crowd was setting. My internal judge and critic was working overtime comparing my form and pace with everyone around me.
When I saw my results I was emotionally deflated. The harder I worked at breaking free from my inner judge/critic the more judgemental I become of myself. I judge my inner judge and a vicious cycle is created.
I am learning that my judge has something important to say to me, so the issue for me is not trying to ignore my inner judge or fire my inner judge we have been together all my life. My inner judge is the sum total of all my childhood conditioning to be critical, mistrustful and self-doubting. My inner is the compilation of all the negativity of people who ever punished me, teased me, bullied me, abandoned me and rejected me. Me and my inner have a history together that can't be ignored or denied. The issue is not about fighting to silence my inner judge. The issue is how do I handle my judge?
Become aware of it. Accept it. Express it.
So, I say to my inner judge/critic bring it on! Yes my time was slow, yes my form was not great, yes I'm carrying extra weight, Yes my breathing was off, Yes I thought I did worse than I expected, But, I AM STILL HERE! My knees hurt But, I AM STILL HERE! My ankle is tight But, I AM STILL HERE! I feel dejected But, I AM STILL HERE! I didn't complete the race in under an hour But, I AM STILL HERE!
So I say to my inner judge/critic I hear you loud and clear. It is what, it is But, I AM STILL HERE!
Peace and Blessings on Your Journey
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Breathing Rhythm
Last Sunday I did my first indoor triathlon, 10 minute swim, 30 minute bike, 20 minute run. It was a different experience than outdoor triathlons. The goal was to go as far as I could within each timed set. I realized early that a metered pool is longer than a yard pool by eight feet. Those extra eight feet made a difference in my time and distance.
My running instructor has a saying: "Run, Your, Run", my swimming instructor says: "Long and strong" my spin and cycling instructor always plays my favorite speed song "Run, Run getaway.." In each discipline it is about finding the rhythm that is sustainable over time. Finding the balance of speed and power through breath control.
Sunday I had a hard time finding my rhythm. I did the opposite of all the training and instruction I received. I did not focus on my breathing. What an interesting metaphor for life. Everyone has their own breathing rhythm. I take my breathing rhythm for granted when I'm under the pressure of "competing" for security, promotion, acceptance from others etc. I recognize ethat my breathing rhythym has been off for the past month as demonstrated by Sunday's experience.
I mentioned in my last post about finding my authentic voice. I am coming to the awareness that my my authenic voice is embedded in my authentic breathing rythym. I may have cited this song before but it bears repeating here: "The race is not given, to the swift, nor to the strong but to the one who endures until the end".
Endurance is about listening for and honoring my breahting rhythm which begins by accepting all of my "perfect imperfections". I learned in graduate school about being present to the "both/and" of life.
Chinese philosophy calls the interconnection of opposites Yin and Yang. When I'm off balance and out of sync with my rhythm I experience highs and lows that are draining. I am awakening to honoring the times when I'm hopeful and when I'm hopeless. There are times when I am kind and times when I am critical. I have moments of being courageous and periods of abject fear. I am being conscuious of my breathing. I accept the exspanse and deflation of life.
In a recent FB posting I said: "Intentional aware breathing is the bridge between internal chaos and manifested peace." Brian Alman says:"Breathing,..is not all inhales or exhales, not either/or It's the union of the two that creates the flow of breath. The breath comes in and the breath goes out- you have a rhythm, and it's the rhythm that keeps you alive."
What rhythm keeps you alive?
Peace and Blessings On Your Journey
My running instructor has a saying: "Run, Your, Run", my swimming instructor says: "Long and strong" my spin and cycling instructor always plays my favorite speed song "Run, Run getaway.." In each discipline it is about finding the rhythm that is sustainable over time. Finding the balance of speed and power through breath control.
Sunday I had a hard time finding my rhythm. I did the opposite of all the training and instruction I received. I did not focus on my breathing. What an interesting metaphor for life. Everyone has their own breathing rhythm. I take my breathing rhythm for granted when I'm under the pressure of "competing" for security, promotion, acceptance from others etc. I recognize ethat my breathing rhythym has been off for the past month as demonstrated by Sunday's experience.
I mentioned in my last post about finding my authentic voice. I am coming to the awareness that my my authenic voice is embedded in my authentic breathing rythym. I may have cited this song before but it bears repeating here: "The race is not given, to the swift, nor to the strong but to the one who endures until the end".
Endurance is about listening for and honoring my breahting rhythm which begins by accepting all of my "perfect imperfections". I learned in graduate school about being present to the "both/and" of life.
Chinese philosophy calls the interconnection of opposites Yin and Yang. When I'm off balance and out of sync with my rhythm I experience highs and lows that are draining. I am awakening to honoring the times when I'm hopeful and when I'm hopeless. There are times when I am kind and times when I am critical. I have moments of being courageous and periods of abject fear. I am being conscuious of my breathing. I accept the exspanse and deflation of life.
In a recent FB posting I said: "Intentional aware breathing is the bridge between internal chaos and manifested peace." Brian Alman says:"Breathing,..is not all inhales or exhales, not either/or It's the union of the two that creates the flow of breath. The breath comes in and the breath goes out- you have a rhythm, and it's the rhythm that keeps you alive."
What rhythm keeps you alive?
Peace and Blessings On Your Journey
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Finding my Voice
I recently had a conversation with someone about the difference between a process and a journey. As I review the journey of my life I am coming the awareness that its all about finding and nurturing my authentic voice or Trusage. This is my deep intuition, my heart's core, the ground of my being, the source of my soul. My journey was started out of pain, trauma, and loss. But rather then feel deeply into my fears, anger, and sadness I hid behind socialized expectations that have been more of a hindrance than a help.
My wife sent me a book that arrested my attention it is entitled; The Voice: Overcome Negative Self-Talk and Discover Your inner Wisdom written by Brian Alman and Stephen Montgomery. It's about the mind-body-spirit connection of transforming unbearable pain into livable disappointment. The authors cite examples of how physical pain can be healed from the inside out.
For the past several months I have been on a journey of training for triathlons and races. As I write this entry, I am aware of moderate pain coursing through my body as a result of a grueling workout, thanks to my running Angel. While running at 7.5 mph at an incline of 6 on route to turning "purple" she kept saying breathe engage your core. What a powerful metaphor for life! When pain is kicking your butt, breathe and engage your core!! Let me, explain.
The "negative" stress of life is caused from experiences in the past that project fear into the future robbing a person of the Power of Now. Repressed emotions like fear, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, etc. are carried and buried in the body. Have you noticed on the Biggest Loser how a lot of weight issues are directly tied to some emotional, psychological pain of the past? I am coming to understand that physical pain or maladaptive behavior is a manifestation of deeper emotional or spiritual pain. "First things happen on the inside, and then they happen on the outside".
During my training as a CPE student I was bragging one day to my Supervisor about all the "stuff" I was doing in my life. After I finished she looked me in the eye and said: "I hear what you are saying about your success but, I noticed you gained a significant amount of weight, how is the landscape of your soul?" Her question stopped me in my tracks and forced me to examine my "innerscape".
The inner journey and writing this blog is helping me re-frame and focus transforming the "process" of weight loss and triathlon training into the journey of weight loss and triathlon training.
Heartfelt thanks to you for reading and sharing this experience with me.
Peace & Blessings on Your Journey
My wife sent me a book that arrested my attention it is entitled; The Voice: Overcome Negative Self-Talk and Discover Your inner Wisdom written by Brian Alman and Stephen Montgomery. It's about the mind-body-spirit connection of transforming unbearable pain into livable disappointment. The authors cite examples of how physical pain can be healed from the inside out.
For the past several months I have been on a journey of training for triathlons and races. As I write this entry, I am aware of moderate pain coursing through my body as a result of a grueling workout, thanks to my running Angel. While running at 7.5 mph at an incline of 6 on route to turning "purple" she kept saying breathe engage your core. What a powerful metaphor for life! When pain is kicking your butt, breathe and engage your core!! Let me, explain.
The "negative" stress of life is caused from experiences in the past that project fear into the future robbing a person of the Power of Now. Repressed emotions like fear, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, etc. are carried and buried in the body. Have you noticed on the Biggest Loser how a lot of weight issues are directly tied to some emotional, psychological pain of the past? I am coming to understand that physical pain or maladaptive behavior is a manifestation of deeper emotional or spiritual pain. "First things happen on the inside, and then they happen on the outside".
During my training as a CPE student I was bragging one day to my Supervisor about all the "stuff" I was doing in my life. After I finished she looked me in the eye and said: "I hear what you are saying about your success but, I noticed you gained a significant amount of weight, how is the landscape of your soul?" Her question stopped me in my tracks and forced me to examine my "innerscape".
The inner journey and writing this blog is helping me re-frame and focus transforming the "process" of weight loss and triathlon training into the journey of weight loss and triathlon training.
Heartfelt thanks to you for reading and sharing this experience with me.
Peace & Blessings on Your Journey
Friday, February 7, 2014
Dealing with the "Chop"
I shall never forget the first time I swam in open water, in Lake Michigan. The water was cold and choppy. I was being tossed around like a rag doll. Although I could stand up at any moment I, found myself struggling against the current trying to remain calm and relaxed. The more I struggled the more anxious I became. As I began to hyperventilate I found myself swallowing more water than I was I taking in air. In those extremely nerve racking moments, that seems to last an eternity, my survival was in jeopardy!! I began to pray: "Please Lord, don't let me drown and be swept away to Davy Jones' locker!!"
Thank God my prayers were answered !!! I am alive to tell the story!!
Life can get very choppy and turbulent. Non stop pressures and demands can make you feel confused and overwhelmed. Unable to tell up from down, we can get swept away in the tumultuous emotions of the daily rat race. Profoundly chaotic emotions like fear, sadness, and anger, have a way of taking over our minds driving us into the depths of despair and alienation.
I am learning how to deal with the "Chop" of life. When in I find myself in troubling currents, I stop and let go of over struggling. I sense what you are thinking, "Are you freaking kidding, ME!! Stop struggling?!! Really?!! Are your serious??" "Nonsense!" "I have to keep pushing and striving, life is about struggle and sacrifice" "The harder I work and struggle the more I will obtain."
I feel you!! I hear you!! But let me ask you; "How is that working for you?"
The idea of unending struggle and heroic fight is deep within our psychic DNA. The truth is that the "Chop" of life can be like quicksand, Chinese finger trap, or a deep hole. The more you struggle, fight and dig , the more you sink, become stuck, and get in over your head unable to climb out.
Am I saying that we should never struggle and strive? Of course, not! Life is all about struggling and striving. Where I've gotten lost and bogged down, is when I think, that all there is to life is the "Chop."
Yes, life is choppy and turbulent. Life does have moments of struggle where the future is uncertain and the results of striving seem fruitless. However, the tension filled "Chop" of life can be embraced and transcended. The Psalmist writes: "Weeping may endure for a night but, joy comes in the morning." The question is: "What do you in the mean time when morning is a long way off , and you are in the "Chop" of life, being tossed back and forth by anger, sadness and fear right now?"
For me, I am learning to trust the Presence of the Divine within me and all around me. By staying in touch with myself I, experience the Presence who provides peace that surpasses all understanding. This empowers me to go with the flow.
When I was in Lake Michigan I had wetsuit that surround me, held me up, when I felt like I would sink. Once I trusted the buoyancy of being held and supported, I found myself floating on top of the water going with the flow of the current and swimming smarter not harder.
As I swam, supported from within and without I was able to acknowledge fear, anger, and sadness but still remain focused on experiencing gratitude, hope, and peace in spite of frustration and which transformed the "chop" into still waters.
Peace & Blessings On Your Journey
Thank God my prayers were answered !!! I am alive to tell the story!!
Life can get very choppy and turbulent. Non stop pressures and demands can make you feel confused and overwhelmed. Unable to tell up from down, we can get swept away in the tumultuous emotions of the daily rat race. Profoundly chaotic emotions like fear, sadness, and anger, have a way of taking over our minds driving us into the depths of despair and alienation.
I am learning how to deal with the "Chop" of life. When in I find myself in troubling currents, I stop and let go of over struggling. I sense what you are thinking, "Are you freaking kidding, ME!! Stop struggling?!! Really?!! Are your serious??" "Nonsense!" "I have to keep pushing and striving, life is about struggle and sacrifice" "The harder I work and struggle the more I will obtain."
I feel you!! I hear you!! But let me ask you; "How is that working for you?"
The idea of unending struggle and heroic fight is deep within our psychic DNA. The truth is that the "Chop" of life can be like quicksand, Chinese finger trap, or a deep hole. The more you struggle, fight and dig , the more you sink, become stuck, and get in over your head unable to climb out.
Am I saying that we should never struggle and strive? Of course, not! Life is all about struggling and striving. Where I've gotten lost and bogged down, is when I think, that all there is to life is the "Chop."
Yes, life is choppy and turbulent. Life does have moments of struggle where the future is uncertain and the results of striving seem fruitless. However, the tension filled "Chop" of life can be embraced and transcended. The Psalmist writes: "Weeping may endure for a night but, joy comes in the morning." The question is: "What do you in the mean time when morning is a long way off , and you are in the "Chop" of life, being tossed back and forth by anger, sadness and fear right now?"
For me, I am learning to trust the Presence of the Divine within me and all around me. By staying in touch with myself I, experience the Presence who provides peace that surpasses all understanding. This empowers me to go with the flow.
When I was in Lake Michigan I had wetsuit that surround me, held me up, when I felt like I would sink. Once I trusted the buoyancy of being held and supported, I found myself floating on top of the water going with the flow of the current and swimming smarter not harder.
As I swam, supported from within and without I was able to acknowledge fear, anger, and sadness but still remain focused on experiencing gratitude, hope, and peace in spite of frustration and which transformed the "chop" into still waters.
Peace & Blessings On Your Journey
Friday, January 31, 2014
Serendipity
So, it's been a long while since my last entry. I was recently encouraged by my tri-swim coach and friend, Chris to share something that might be inspirational. It feels like such a tall order, to be inspirational. It's like trying to be funny as a stand-up comedian, either you or aren't. Oh the PRESSURE!!!!
I am humbled to hear that my journey has inspired others. The encouragement to post more frequently is well received especially when I'm overwhelmed with daily demands. For all those who have read and continue to read this blog I say a heartfelt warm thank you, there are many other things you could be doing with your precious time! Truly, I'm honored that you would share with me on this journey. Let's stay connected and mutually encourage each other!!! Now, for the next installment of It's all about the journey.
Serendipity, finding something good or useful while not specially looking for it, is the word for today. Life is full of unexpected blessings that show up just when they are needed the most. All throughout the past few days I've experienced various forms of serendipity.
What in the world is Melvin rambling about now? I'm glad you asked! Let me try to explain.
Yesterday I was trying to leave work to get to treadmill class. I had already blewn my morning workout when I woke up at 4:59am and Run Club started at 5:15 am and I live 45 minutes away.WTF!!! (Don't worry, my Running Angel, Morgan did check up on me!!)
Not only did I miss Run Club, I also missed the last TRX/Kettlebell class for this session (Sorry, Ben!! Atomic Push-ups are waiting for me the next go around.). So, I'm at work with increasing frustration of trying to leave but not able to because one more thing kept coming up.
You now how it is, the more you are trying to get somewhere the more obstacles you face!!. It's like getting a fussy baby cleaned and dressed ready to walk out the door then all of sudden the baby let's their bowel and bladder go and you are late because you are cleaning up human excrement. Every time I tried to leave, one more thing needed attention until I, had to finally put a pin in things and stop working to to get to my treadmill class.
I get to the gym late 25 minutes after class started frustrated and uptight only to discover that class had been cancelled and the workout sheet was waiting for me, Serendipity!!! So, I start to take the elevator up one floor to get on the treadmill. Who should see me? Nicole, my treadmill instructor ordering me to take the stairs, (She's my drill instructor) Serendipity!!!
Half way into the speed and strength workout I'm sprinting at 8mph 3% incline for 30sec sets. After the third set with three sets to go, my heart feeling like it was about to break through my rib cage, like the creature from Alien, I decided to transition to the pool for the last 10 minutes of an Aqua class and the first 15 minutes of Aqua Volleyball all in preparation for 1800 meter tri-swim complete with slow to fast 50's on the 1:30.
This morning knocked out from yesterday's full day I, jumped up in time to make it to my morning appointment, feeling grateful for the experience of grace and mercy being manifested through different people (Morgan, Nicole, Chris, and Ben) and in various ways throughout my life and career. I am becoming aware of my increased capacity to remain connected with myself while remaining open to experiencing unexpected blessings just when I need them the most.
May you experience wonderful serendipity!!
Thanks for reading!! Peace & Blessings on Your Journey!!
I am humbled to hear that my journey has inspired others. The encouragement to post more frequently is well received especially when I'm overwhelmed with daily demands. For all those who have read and continue to read this blog I say a heartfelt warm thank you, there are many other things you could be doing with your precious time! Truly, I'm honored that you would share with me on this journey. Let's stay connected and mutually encourage each other!!! Now, for the next installment of It's all about the journey.
Serendipity, finding something good or useful while not specially looking for it, is the word for today. Life is full of unexpected blessings that show up just when they are needed the most. All throughout the past few days I've experienced various forms of serendipity.
What in the world is Melvin rambling about now? I'm glad you asked! Let me try to explain.
Yesterday I was trying to leave work to get to treadmill class. I had already blewn my morning workout when I woke up at 4:59am and Run Club started at 5:15 am and I live 45 minutes away.WTF!!! (Don't worry, my Running Angel, Morgan did check up on me!!)
Not only did I miss Run Club, I also missed the last TRX/Kettlebell class for this session (Sorry, Ben!! Atomic Push-ups are waiting for me the next go around.). So, I'm at work with increasing frustration of trying to leave but not able to because one more thing kept coming up.
You now how it is, the more you are trying to get somewhere the more obstacles you face!!. It's like getting a fussy baby cleaned and dressed ready to walk out the door then all of sudden the baby let's their bowel and bladder go and you are late because you are cleaning up human excrement. Every time I tried to leave, one more thing needed attention until I, had to finally put a pin in things and stop working to to get to my treadmill class.
I get to the gym late 25 minutes after class started frustrated and uptight only to discover that class had been cancelled and the workout sheet was waiting for me, Serendipity!!! So, I start to take the elevator up one floor to get on the treadmill. Who should see me? Nicole, my treadmill instructor ordering me to take the stairs, (She's my drill instructor) Serendipity!!!
Half way into the speed and strength workout I'm sprinting at 8mph 3% incline for 30sec sets. After the third set with three sets to go, my heart feeling like it was about to break through my rib cage, like the creature from Alien, I decided to transition to the pool for the last 10 minutes of an Aqua class and the first 15 minutes of Aqua Volleyball all in preparation for 1800 meter tri-swim complete with slow to fast 50's on the 1:30.
This morning knocked out from yesterday's full day I, jumped up in time to make it to my morning appointment, feeling grateful for the experience of grace and mercy being manifested through different people (Morgan, Nicole, Chris, and Ben) and in various ways throughout my life and career. I am becoming aware of my increased capacity to remain connected with myself while remaining open to experiencing unexpected blessings just when I need them the most.
May you experience wonderful serendipity!!
Thanks for reading!! Peace & Blessings on Your Journey!!
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